lost for directions
it just occurred to me that venting/trauma dumping is not the same as blogging.
now that's frustrating.
what am i even blogging for then?
???
but i's get mad anyways when i realize people out there could read them. im a hypocrite.
Journalling doesn't feel enough, I want to be heard but I guess I can't be too careless.
and I've recently been thinking: I'm really afraid of being dumb.
Once, my sister quipped I probably have an IQ below 100. Even if it were a joke, I'm afraid: what if the IQ tests do confirm that I do have an IQ below 100?
When I failed at getting the academic award (it was a tug of war between "I want" and "I don't want"), it felt like an affirmation
"See, you suck you know?"
and I was right, nobody cares. Nobody But I do care as it turns out.
To this day, I slap myself "why did I do that?"
Sabotaging yourself is what clowns do and I'm a clown. Unconfident people are the ones to say they're confident.
Why can't people just read my mind?